SO as I'm lying there tonight I was pondering all sorts of things. Like a story line for a childrens' book about how there came to be people of so many different colors. And how I have yet to actually write out that last idea for a childrens' book about monsters under the bed. I should get on that. But I need an artist. Because my drawing looks like that of a toddler. And for kids' books, art really is a major piece of the story. I digress...
Mostly what I ponder when I should be sleeping is hypotheticals and philosophical ideas. Because that's the sort of big thinking that can get the brain to cry "uncle" and go to sleep. Most of the ...ok, not nearly as often as I'd like, but it SOMETIMES works. Tonight was not one of those sometimes. Tonight is also one of those sometimes where spell check is an absolute must. Or yous gyus would neevr eb able to read thsi. There's one uncorrected line for you. You see how bad it is when all these thoughts are racing in my head?! Where's my friggin interobang?
But tonight's thoughts center on why I think it is irrelevant whether or not there really is a god. I do, in fact, think there is ... SOMETHING. I just don't believe enough in coincidence to look at the patterns in cells and atoms and discount the idea of a guiding nudge at the very least when those same patterns are written across the universe on a scale so large it makes the top of my skull feel squeezey. (No, spell check, queasy is not the word I'm looking for there. ) I think it is irrelevant because good is not something that can or even SHOULD be forced. And how many people do we all know that "do good" publicly because they profess to believe in Jesus and Heaven and don't want to burn in Hell but are really nasty, hateful shites whenever they let the mask slip? I can force a kid to share and not hit, but they will be baleful and angry about it. The kid that shares because they have learned that it increases the fun they have to share the fun with someone else...well, on the surface, both the meanie and the nicer one are sharing, but who is getting the most out of their day? The one afraid of getting in trouble, or the one living their own fun and experiencing the fun of a friend too?
I don't need or want a Heaven. I have enough right here. And I intend to live as best as I can, and share as much light as I can manage while I'm here. And I will screw up. And I won't beat myself up over it. And I won't say "it's ok". I'll say "I want to do better next time". Not because God, god, Flying Spaghetti Monster or Batman or Santa is watching over me, waiting for me to screw up, but because Heaven is really a state of mind, and one that can only be found when you share it.